We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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