Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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