it hurts more in the daytime
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
not ubering you a puppy
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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