just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Someone shattered a urinal.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
