i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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