i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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