I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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