woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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