The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
