Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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