You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Randomize
