I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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