ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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