Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
