Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
