i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
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Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
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I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!