I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.