The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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