i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
