I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
