I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
