I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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