he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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