Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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