I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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