I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
