Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
