So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
