I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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