I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I enjoy the company of your penis
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
