Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
