I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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