is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
