A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
