Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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