I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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