I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
