my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
