Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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