I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
