That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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