you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
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You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
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And my parents said I crawled through the house
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize