I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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