Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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