I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
