Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
