the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
