I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
