Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
