My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
