he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
