Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
