I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
