My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
