Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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